Tears flow freely

Ever since grandma is gone...ever since jinnwei go back to study in kl...I have been submerging myself into my work.

I dont dare to mention too much about grandma...fearing that I might break down and cry...

The other day when I brought jinnwei to highlight his hair, I asked him whether he can imagine what grandma would have said if she saw jinnwei highlight his hair. I cant help but shed a tear.

Tonight, when i read thru lynnx's blog, I cant stop myself from crying thinking about grandma.

My pc at work constantly showing pictures of me travelling in Wellington and Labuan. Trips I had due to grandma.

I miss her so much.

She is gone

Arrangement for the funeral is happening right now. There are specialists who came to help us with the details.

Grandma played on joke on us yesterday when her heartbeat went to zero. We thought she is really gone and without us by her side. But she stayed alive for another day. Probably laughing at us for falling for her joke and wanting us to spend more time with her. Or maybe she is just wanting us to get koko home asap so that koko can be there for her.

This morning, thinking that everything is alright, I went to work. Heart fell, hand shaking, head dizzy, I answered Uncle Goh's call to find out that grandma's blood pressure has dropped to a dangerous level again.

Arriving at the her room in the ICU, tears kept falling down my face... She is no longer conscious. She cant respond to us anymore.

10 sumthing am, she finally left us.

I dont want her to give up. I want her to be well again. But she has suffered so much.

I miss her so much now. Everything in my home reminds me of her.

Crabs and Island

Saturday
Had lunch with LeeSia...Been a long time since I talked to her. She had a lot of changes in her life. Went back to office to do more overtime and fetch jinnwei after work.

Went to SeaWorld (i think) to eat crabs and frog with Karen, Laura, Josephine and Kelvin for supper. I wasnt feeling too well...and feeling extremely thirsty. the crabs was not bad. The frog..well...it is tasty. Tasted just like fish!

After the supper, we went to have a drink at Island. There wasnt many people around. It is weird to see not much ppl in the bar and it is Saturday night.

The night went on like usual until Kelvin's friend came to join us and the fun begin. His friend challenged Karen to drinking.

I am feeling too lazy tod ecribe what happen.

But I went home feeling drunk and was asleep before I know it.

Sunday

Went to Luak Esplanade with Karen and met up with Laura and Kelvin. There was a lot of people cause there was an event going on.

The beach is beautiful in the setting of the sun but I prefer the beach during night time when the tide is very low.

I am feeling so tired and sick now. Jasmine will be in Miri tomorrow. Grandma is still in ICU. My CPA is just around the corner and I havent finish studying yet. My assignment list is still pretty long.

I am tired la!

What would i feel if I am in her shoes?

If i were in her shoes, if such thing happen to me....

Firstly, I will not send out document in that condition at all. I would have let my senior look thru it then sending it out.

If such thing really do happen, I will still think that it is my own fault and I cant blame anyone.

Right now, I really think that I am not to be blamed. I dont feel guilty anymore.

Should I or shouldnt I?

This morning, as I was loitering at the reception desk, I saw my mentee asked the office boy to send a letter to Company A. Company A is of a very important client so I was curious about the letter. When I saw that the paper in the letter (thru the envelope window) is not of the paper we usually used for printing, I sensed that something is not right. So, I secretly took the envelope to have a look at it after a quick consultation with another colleague. My intuition was right as I found the letter to be completely inappropriate to be sent out at all. My mistake began here as I felt that this matter should be brought to my senior's attention immediately. I brought the letter secretly to my senior and let her have a look at it which lead to the order that I should filter thru all the outgoing document from my mentee. After settling into my cubicle, I was startled with the voice of my mentee asking for the client of Company A. As I watched in horror, she was indeed talking on the phone with the client. Panic took over me as I went immediately to my senior to tell her of this situation. She immediately went out to remedy the situation. From that moment on, I have another new responsibility. I now have to make phone calls for my mentee as well. My senior continued to lecture my mentee on the proper way to treat clients and how to write to clients after she finished apologizing to the client. I only realised that I might have made a mistake doing all the above when another colleague asked me why didnt I just point out the mistake to my mentee when I first read the letter. Did I really do wrong? Have I accidentally stab a knife to the back of my mentee? Have I accidentally created a image of a whistleblower to my senior? I felt that I can't point out the mistake to my mentee because I am not good at arguing or making my point. But if I have pointed out her mistake openly, I think, she will feel that i am stepping over the boundary for spying on her though mentor is supposed to look out for the mentee. Argh! Have I become a bad person by doing that?Somehow, I felt like defending myself...According to someone's assessment of my mentee's character, she is a person who like to destroy evidence of her stupidity and error and refuse to admit her mistakes. She likes to do things her own way and not listening to other people (me included). If i have not let my senior know about this matter, it might happen again and I cannot be there all the time to stop it from happening. I dont want to be bombed for not knowing what my mentee is doing. This is frustrating...I am in a dilemma...should I be feeling guilty or not?

Life is becoming a routine

I found myself getting my life into a routine. Developing a habit for myself as I become more and more independent. But not financially independent yet...

I need to:
- Have the aircond running for a while before switching it off and have the fan on the whole night. Even if it is raining cats and dogs outside, I still need the aircond to be switched on for that period of time. If I dont do that, I cant sleep. See, this is becoming a habit.
- Check my Neopet stock portfolio everyday. Since I dont have enough cash for real stock market and I cant bear losing any of my precious money in the real world, the virtual world is the only place I can pretend that I am gambling. I have 1.5 million neopoints for me to waste in Neopets so no sweat la.
- Religiously trying to watch America Next Top Model every week even though I know who won and I can find out what happen in the official website.
- Blow my hair dry every time I wash my hair. Ever since the stylist told me that I should dry my hair, I have been doing it faithfully...It is so time-consuming and boring but still I do it. Weird!
- Collect my laundry till it is a mountain of clothes before washing the whole bunch of it. Just one person laundry. Why waste the capacity of the washing machine?
- Falling asleep after every two pages of CPA unit reading. This is really not good. I only have less than one month before exam and I havent even completed module two...

Time to go and try to read my CPA stuff...hopefully I dont fall asleep after two pages...